GAZETTE Tampa Bay Gay and Lesbian News

Dear Ones,
Annually Amanda does tell you what you already know - who the idiots of the past year were and what to watch out for in the New Year - and ya better listen folks, cause She knows of what She speaks.

2005 was a hell of a year. There are a lot of villages missing their idiots - like:

Tom Delay, of course W, Pat Robertson, Conan O'Brian, Nick (for not leaving Jessica sooner), W, Ford Motor Company, Jeb and W, anyone who opposed the dignified death of Terri Schiavo - well you get the point, this list could fill the entire Gazette. Amanda does, however, think it is necessary to call to your attention the biggest idiots of all and encourage you to do something about them.

Dick Cheney wins the prize for the most arrogant bastard ever. Write and tell him so.

The Catholic Church for continuing to hide the real cause of their troubles: pedophiles - write and tell them that they are NOT the same as compassionate gay men who wish to be Priests.

Ronda Storms, who is really too stupid to be allowed to walk around on her own. VOTE HER OUT!!!

Well . . . when you highlight these three, what else really needs to be said?

2006 awaits us. It is our year - IF we make it so. Things Amanda wants to say to the following:

To Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell: SHUT UP! No one cares what cartoon characters you think are gay. Feed the hungry, house the homeless - do some good with your stupid loud mouths.

To Ford Motor Company and others: Go ahead. Give up the gay dollar - it is your loss - and no self-respecting gay man would buy a Ford anyway.

To the idiots in Hillsborough County who spent over $4,500 on a full page ad in the Tampa Tribune to praise the Hillsborough County Commissioners' bigotry: Can you say Katrina Relief? Feeding the hungry? Sheltering the homeless? Acting like Christians?

To the Gay Community in Tampa: HELLO? Are you out there? What are you doing to stop your community from disappearing completely?

To Twinks and Club Boys: Stop snorting things! Get out of the spandex and let your brain breathe and understand the work that needs to be done. You have lived off the sweat of the older gay community long enough! Get involved! Give back or get out.

To organizations such as Tampa MCC, the Gazette, Tampa Bay Gay.com, The Tampa Gay and Lesbian Film Festival, and many more fine people and organizations: Don't ever stop the good you do for people. We would be nowhere without you all.

To everyone: you all know someone who is lonely - scared - angry - hurt - confused - call them! Tell them you love them and care. Invite them to dinner - talk - become friends - share the incredible love only the gay community knows how to share. Life is wonderful when you share it with someone special.

To My readers. This will be the last you will hear from Amanda. She is retiring and becoming a Native American Spirit Guide. Well ok, maybe just a Girl hunting for Her Native American Houseboy, but She is done. Thank you all for nearly seven years of fun, support, wonderful letters, stupid ideas, insanity on paper, and a lot of love. So many of you have written Amanda over the years and thanked Her for things She has said and ways She has helped you. She loves you all very much. Blessings for a wonderful 2006 and have an amazing life! Amanda is going to - because She can. And so can you.

Kiss, Kiss Forever,
Amanda Editor's note: The Gazette wishes Amanda well in her retirement and all of her future endeavors. We are grateful for the fun, the advice, the bitching and all of the support she has given this publication and our community. XOXO--B.

Dear Amanda,
Holiday time is coming and I have no idea what to buy my family for Christmas. They are only minimally accepting of my relationship with my partner, but cordial. We have never been close and I spend very little time with them. I am not sure what they like or need, but they are my family. I am hugely opposed to the commercialization of Christmas and am completely at a loss as to what would be good for a gift. Any ideas?
Confused

Dear Confused,
Amanda always has an idea and She is never afraid to share it. The perfect gift for your family might be a donation made in their name to an organization that you believe in and they might find some support for in their hearts. Amanda had done this frequently and then written a lovely note to the family member telling them a gift has been given in their name to ... (fill in the blank) ... and making a point of telling them how important this organization is to Amanda and how much good the gift has done the organization. Certainly another way to celebrate would be to provide the family with a very nice picture of you - and as much as it might irritate them, include your partner. There is a time when they just have to learn to deal with life as it is. Amanda hopes this will get you started on the thinking/shopping process. Have a very happy holiday.
Kiss, Kiss,
Amanda

Dear Amanda,
Sex toys always fascinate me. I shop for them all the time and even purchase some now and again. My girlfriend isn't as interested in them as I am and actually fears some of my purchases. I would love her to be a bit more open minded about this and make some of these adventures with me. Got any advice how I can bring her along?
An Adventurer

Dear AA,
Hmmm. Amanda is always curious about "toys," but more often than not goes the way of your partner. All relationships should be adventurous and fun but do remember that this type of adventure and fun are defined by you as a couple NOT as individuals. Amanda suggests that you sit down with your partner and get her buy into one instrument of delight - or a concept - and then once that agreement is made go buy the tools necessary to fulfill the adventure. Bringing home various products and then convincing her to try them will be more difficult. Make this an adventure you take together from the beginning. If you have close friends who enjoy some particular device enlist them to help you by bringing it up in conversation. Yes, Amanda is sure you gals talk about that stuff.
Kiss, Kiss,
Amanda

Dear Amanda,
I was at opening night of the Tampa Gay and Lesbian Film Festival and had one of the most wonderful times of my life. What an amazing evening. The film was super, The Kinsey Sicks were not only fabulous musicians but made me laugh like I hadn't in years. The party following was such fun and I actually met some people I didn't know (and it seems like I know everyone - I am old and have been here forever!). It was an event that should not have been missed by anyone in our community. Why was it then? The Film Festival is one of the best in the country, it is certainly the best thing the gay community has going in Tampa and is always well run and very high quality. I cannot understand why the Tampa Theatre was not full to overflowing. What has to happen in Tampa to get the community to support events of this quality? Please do not hear me say the event was not a success - it was - a big one - but why would you live in Tampa and miss this?
Confused

Dear Confused,
Amanda is so glad you enjoyed yourself at the Film Festival, and you could not be more correct this event is amazing and should not be missed. Unfortunately, this year Amanda had to miss it and cried for days. But as to the excuse of others who stayed home or went to a bar or a twink party, Amanda has no idea. She hears people bitch all the time that there is too little to do in Tampa, and if you have been a reader for awhile you will remember She once offered to buy a one-way bus ticket for someone who thought Tampa should be more like South Beach. Tampa doesn't need to be like South Beach. It is wonderful the way it is and the Film Festival is the best proof of that. Instead of trying to figure out why people with any brains at all would miss an event like this one why don't we take this opportunity to feel superior knowing that we wouldn't miss it for the world (unless of course it was impossible to attend one year). And knowing that we laughed at the entertainment, were moved by Kathy Castor, were proud that people are making good gay films, met new friends, saw people we see only once a year, enjoyed the Business Guild Expo, and basked in the fact that we are a great group of people who know how life is to be lived. Keep enjoying the Film Festival! Go each year. Give them money. Volunteer - and celebrate!
Kiss, Kiss,
Amanda

Dear Amanda,
What a wonderful world we live in. I don't really have a problem to ask you help me solve, I just wanted to tell you how well my life is going and how helpful you and your readers have been in making that happen. My partner of 4 years and I have a great relationship. We talk to one another all the time. We work out issues before they become problems. We don't share our sexual lives with others. We are involved in and love our community and our friends. We sat together in front of both of our families and explained our relationship and asked for their help in making it work, much as we had worked to honor the relationships of our parents and siblings. Life is good if you allow it to be and we thank you and the many wonderful folks who write to you for bringing to our attention the many ways that we can make our lives good. Keep on writing and making us smile and laugh - and sometimes cry. Always,
Susan and Dianah

Dear S & D,
Goodness, Amanda is nearly at a loss for words. Notice She said nearly!! Amanda is touched and honored that you would give Her any credit for your happy life. It is true that Her readers bring to our attention many important (and sometimes less important) thoughts and what we do with those thoughts can make a big difference in our lives. If Amanda has really offered any significant advice that has helped you She is thrilled and can only promise to continue pouring our Her heart and soul to share Her inner thoughts. Keep reading and thank you so much for making Amanda smile today. But PLEASE DO NOT DISCOUNT the good work you and your partner have done to make your lives as wonderful as they sound. YOU did this work! Be proud! Be happy! And continue to love.
Kiss, Kiss,
Amanda

Dear Amanda,
Because of some life changes I needed to use the services of a professional, and of course wanted to use someone within our community. On referral from a friend I found someone who did an amazing job for me. He was incredibly professional, helpful, endlessly charming and really cuter than he should be allowed to be. We have become friends and this past week I met his partner and found a duplicate - charming, handsome and just all around nice guy. Where are these people hiding? Just when I think Tampa is void of this type of person I not only run into one but two of them. I never see this group out at the bars or anywhere. Tell me where they are hiding? I want to go there, also, and find nice guys who don't do drugs, go to twinkie clubs, and dress like they are 12. It seems there are nice guys out there who like film, theater, small groups of friends for dinner, and more. Where, Amanda, do we find these folks?
Always yours,
Searching

My Dearest Searching,
AMEN!!! You are right! There have to be more of these folks out there, and finding them is very difficult. But let us take a look at Tampa area and the options for meeting them. Bars? Not!!! Our bars are filled with smoke and the S&M (stand and model) crowd who think an intellectual question is "If Jonathan and Jason do drugs for 2 hours and then dance till 3 AM, which one has the bigger package?" The music in the bars is so loud that you couldn't carry on a conversation with one of these guys if you could find them. Now there are a few exceptions but you have to be there early, leave early and make sure it isn't a night of overdone drag, and you might find a nice guy who has had a bad day and stopped by for a quick drink. Tampa lacks the nice "fern bar" where someone can sit and listen to quiet jazz, have a real drink, visit with friends, possibly munch on some tidbits, and not need to run home and disrobe in the garage so the house wont smell of smoke. There are events like the Film Festival and the occasional concert where the "guys" show up, but since Tomes & Treasures and Tropics closed the pickings are slim. Amanda suggests you do what you can to find a few of them - get them to introduce you to others and attend the secret meetings, 'cause you are not going to find them out and about. And THAT is sad.
Kiss, Kiss,
Amanda

Dear Amanda,
I am curious about something I saw in a magazine the other day and thought that if anyone could enlighten me, it would be you. The article said that the gay community is becoming more involved in threesomes and that it was providing a way of building family. My partner has been trying to get me into a threesome for years and I have been resisting. Should I consent? Is this really a way of building family? I am not sure I agree with the article. What does our resident Diva of Life think?
Not So Sure

Dear NSS,
Diva of Life? Honey do you need a job? Amanda needs a publicist and She loves your attitude. But She does digress. Threesomes have been written about in this column for a long time and Amanda has never understood them. She is not sure what magazine you were reading but She can't imagine that someone out there thinks that by bringing someone else into a relationship a family is built. Now before all you polygamists out there start to scream, yes, you have the right to have any living situation you chose, and yes, some threesomes seem to work - God knows why, but they do. Amanda is just saying that a solid love-centered relationship should not need a third person to make it more of a family. Amanda thinks that you need to make a decision about how you feel and stick by it, and not let an article by some pop-psychologist make you think you are missing family without additional sexual partner. Now, if you ARE missing a feeling of family with your partner you need to address why that might be and fix it. Amanda doubts the answer is to find a third for those hot summer nights in Tampa.
Kiss, Kiss,
Amanda

Dear Amanda,
I am an outcast in the gay community and I don't understand it. It is all because of the size of my waist. I am skinny, very, very skinny and there is nowhere for me to go to meet men. What am I to do? I have found chat rooms for fat men, tall men, short men. There are web sites for all of these men also, but I cannot find anything for skinny men and the "men who love them." Where do I go to meet a man? I work at being skinny because I like myself that way, but I am getting frustrated in finding someone to date. Can you help me?
The Thin Man

Well My Tiny Friend,
Amanda has never heard from someone who had this problem and She guesses She didn't realize that this type of discrimination existed. But in the gay community discrimination abounds around each corner. We seem to be the most prejudiced group of people Amanda has ever met. Anyway - Amanda checked out the web and found that you are correct. She found many sites for big men, and tall men, and even a few for short men - but not one site for skinny men. Amanda found magazines for Bears, and Plus Size men but nothing for you and your admirers. Let us begin a magazine called Railway - it is sure to be a success. Two things: Amanda is always concerned about Her readers' health, and you mention that you work at being skinny. That is fine as long as you don't slip into some eating disorder such as anorexia or bulimia - no longer the exclusive domain of girls and young women, both are becoming major health concerns for young men, as well. Be sure you are getting all the nutrition you need. Secondly, men who like you because you are skinny are not the men you want to spend your life with anyway. You need to find a man who likes you because you are you, and the skinny part is a bonus or not important. The shallowness of some of our subcultures is a sad thing because when the condition they like you for changes, they are gone, and you discover it was love of how you looked and not who you were. Amanda suggests you spend time in places other than the internet meeting nice people who will love you as you are for WHO you are, not what you look like.
Kiss, Kiss,
Amanda

Dear Amanda,
What can be done about the local political scene and how anti-gay it seems to becoming? We have idiots like Ronda Storms trying to pass laws to keep gay pride material out of libraries, the inability of the state to pass safe school legislation, morons like David Caton still showing up on local talk shows, and towns passing laws excluding us from protection. What can we do to make this stop? How do we make an impact locally since the national scene seems to be impossible?
Scared

My Dearest Scared,
Never be scared - be angry. Fear causes us to allow the people in power to bully us, and that is one of our problems as a community. First of all, it is up to each of us to make a difference. Writing to Amanda won't do the trick, you need to write to Ronda Storms and all of the other stupid people in office and tell them it is not okay to treat us - or anyone else - this way. It would be nice if we had some organization to help on this front. Equality Florida seems to have no interest in local matters, maybe because they are not high profile enough, but that is sad. So take on the establishment and tell them they are wrong. Write letters, make phone calls, visit their offices in person, write to the local newspapers and talk to reporters. Recruit others to help you and begin a campaign of your own. You can also run for office. It seems that our community has very few gay folks who actually become involved in politics. When was the last time we had a viable openly gay candidate run for a local office? There are a million ways to make a difference and to make your voice heard and Amanda is thrilled that you want to. You have made the first step by writing to Amanda now keep going and tell the world what you think - your opinions are as valid as those of your straight neighbors. You go girl!
Kiss, Kiss,
Amanda

Dear Amanda,
I am thirsty as hell and I can't take it anymore!!!! What is happening to the bar scene - actually, the entire scene in Tampa? There is no place to go anymore. Our gay restaurant closed, now the bookstore/coffee shop is going away. What is left is a collection of tired, smoke-filled meat-markets where if the someone does wait on you, it's after a long wait and with lots of attitude. What are we going to do to bring back some fun to Tampa? So much has moved to St. Pete and I hate that drive when I am drunk.
Desperate for some Fun

My Darling Desperate,
You have so many issues in your letter Amanda hardly knows where to begin, but She is thankful for your bringing up the topic. Amanda and many of Her friends talk about this issue all the time and She feels it is actually very significant. First of all, you should NEVER BE DRIVING DRUNK, weather it is back from St. Pete or just home from City Side - do not be a fool and kill yourself or some unsuspecting child. So get over yourself and learn to take along a designated driver, call a cab, drink soda or walk. But let us look at the real issue you brought up. You are right to a point. Much of the social fabric of Tampa's gay life is disappearing and it is incredibly sad. We need a gay restaurant, and definitely a gay coffee shop and it would be nice to have a few bars of a different type to choose from. Amanda doesn't agree that there is nothing left in Tampa. Some of the bars are very nice, although filled with smoke (which, bar owners, is an issue you should all take a look at). Amanda does not find that all the bars are filled with attitude and that the reality is there are a few real nice places out there. The other reality is that many of us do not enjoy the bad music, the smoke, endless supply of straight male strippers that we have to deal with in many of our local watering holes, to say nothing of the dearth of places for women to gather. Yes, the next reality is that there is a lot of activity in St. Pete these days. A very aggressive Pride event, the Grand Central District and other things are drawing some of the community to the West Bay. Amanda strongly advocates that folks on the Tampa side of the bay wake up and begin to create community here or see it die altogether. Because of apathy we allowed the Tampa Bay Gay Men's Chorus to die, Pride to dissolve completely and businesses close or move west. Amanda is very sad about the lack of vision and energy in Tampa's gay population, She hesitates to call it a community, since it has very few of the characteristics of a true community. It would be a wonderful thing if some organization took the lead and called community leaders together to address the issue - before it is too late. Try being a community Tampa - you might even like it. Kiss, Kiss,
Amanda

Dear Amanda,
I am not sure what to tell my family about the Gay Marriage issue. I am sure you have an opinion and we usually agree on things. I was hoping you could tell me what to say to my family to help them understand how important it is that my partner and I are allowed to get married. Can you help me?
Soon to be Groom

Dear Groom-2-B,
Amanda have an opinion? You must be reading another advice column. Amanda has so few opinions.
Now that the bullshit is over - let Amanda tell you about Marriage. Amanda refuses to call it "gay" marriage because marriage is a legal right that should, just by common sense, be extended to all citizens, no matter of race, sexual orientation, blah, blah, blah. Weddings, on the other hand, are religious ceremonies, and churches should be allowed to deal with that as they wish. After all, America was founded on the idea of freedom from religious tyranny. So churches should be free to choose to perform this event or not. HOWEVER, marriage is a legal right, provided by the government, NOT the church, and should - strike that - MUST be available to everyone. Now, Amanda understands there are those homos out there who don't want to marry - THEN DON'T! But the reality is many of us do, and since this legal agreement affords those who are allowed to participate some 1500 rights and privileges the others of us are not afforded, Amanda is hard pressed to understand where someone gets off saying it is available to some and not to all. And for those of you who don't want to be married, at least have respect for the rest of your community and jump on the bandwagon to help make it a civil right.
Kiss, Kiss,
Amanda

Dear Amanda,
Is it so difficult to be polite when working with the public? I have noticed lately that clerks, wait-staff, and almost anyone else you come into contact with anymore just don't care about customer service. I was treated so rudely the other night by a waiter that it ruined my meal and kept me awake all night. I just can't believe what has happened to the public work force as they just don't seem to care if the people they are serving are happy or not. What should we do?
Insulted for the Last Time

My Dearest Insulted,
Funny, we were just talking about this same subject last night. Remember that working with the public is not an easy job, but you are right that many (not all) people who work with the public just don't seem to care about being polite. Amanda believes it comes from the popular culture and the attitude that "I am the only one who counts." Parents are not doing stellar work at teaching manners, public schools are underfunded and have a difficult time teaching kids how to read let alone be polite. Our culture has slipped into not caring about manners, and Emily Post is spinning in her grave. What can we do? We can make it an issue every time it is an issue. Complain to the manager AND the employee when you have been treated badly; do not leave a tip when your server has been rude; be diligent in each case of bad customer service or it will never get any better. There are lists you can report bad service to, but you have to pay to join most of them, which is bad customer service in the first place. You didn't mention if you tipped your server the other night - Amanda certainly hopes you didn't, and that you complained to the server's boss. If you didn't complain, it didn't matter enough to you to be so upset. Amanda has for a long time believed there is only one thing wrong with this world and that is that people do not understand they are not here alone. Good customer service is dying, but it is our responsibility as customers to fight to bring that good service back.
Kiss, Kiss,
Amanda

Dear Amanda,
There was an old song that said, "I love him and where he goes I will follow him". I never thought I would be faced with that decision but here I am. My lover wants to move to Seattle for a great job and I don't want to go. I have lived in Tampa all my life and love the climate and have many friends here. We have been together for seven years and it seems silly for him to throw this relationship away for a job. How do I make him see how wrong he is? I need your advice Amanda.
In Love With Tampa

My Dear Tampon,
Amanda believes you need to listen to that old song again - and this time listen to all the words. "There isn't a mountain to high to keep me from his love". Hmmmm. Let us take a look at what you love most - is it Tampa or your partner of seven years? Since you don't mention concerns over finding a job of your own in a new city, Amanda assumes that is not an issue here. First, let Amanda tell you that Seattle is a wonderful city with much to do, is incredibly beautiful and has a huge and active gay community. It does rain a lot and has more overcast days than Tampa - but is a bit more sunshine really worth dumping a seven-year relationship over? Amanda thinks not. You say your partner has been offered a great job - if we were allowed to be married you would have said "for better or worse" somewhere in that process. Maybe this seems like the "worse" to you but we all make sacrifices for those we love. You will make new friends in Seattle and if your friends here in Tampa are that special they will come see you. Get packing Missy, is Amanda's advice. Do not throw away a seven-year love affair for Tampa. If it doesn't work out - you can always come back. But Amanda thinks you will love it - it will be an adventure that will make your relationship even more special. And by the way, if you end this, it will not be your partner who is throwing away a relationship over a city.
Kiss, Kiss,
Amanda

Dear Amanda,
Today I received an email from a total stranger - at least I don't think I know this person. He stated he had seen me in a M4M chat room and then proceeded to tell me how unattractive I was and how he didn't like my personality. This rant went on and on, and was really a vicious personal attack. I was stunned because I hadn't even spoken in the chat room and don't ever remember speaking to this person. I realize that anyone who sends an anonymous email like that isn't worth the time it takes to read it, but I have to ask, why do people do these sorts of things? What makes some people so mean and vicious? Even though I know this person is totally full of shit, and that none of what he said is true - or should even matter, being attacked like that still hurts. Short of hunting him down and shooting him, what am I to do?
Hurt and Amazed

My Darling H/A,
My love, Amanda gives you permission to not feel hurt, but please don't hunt him down and shoot him - even if he deserves it. You have been the victim of some morally bankrupt idiot with way to little to do. Amanda can assure you this person has no life and is most likely very unhappy with himself, and to feel better he decided to make someone else feel worse than he does. Amanda has several thoughts about this whole situation and most of them shouldn't be a surprise to you or any of Her readers. Stay out of those kinds of chat rooms - they are mindless and a waste of time. If you want to meet nice people on the internet go to chat rooms where you have something in common with the others - but pick up rooms are insufferably stupid places filled with lonely creeps who will lie to you at every peck of the keyboard. Secondly, don't give anyone that much power over you. You know you are special. And always remember that people who are too much of a coward to face you with issues are not people worth being concerned about. LET GO and MOVE ON!!
Kiss, Kiss,
Amanda

Dear Amanda,
I have a crush. I admit that I don't really know this guy well but he is the most adorable man I have ever met and I want to get to know him better. He is very cute, but most importantly he is charming, funny, bright, and seems to love people. WOW! We met at a Business Guild gathering, and chatted in a group for a long while. How do I get to know him better? I am a bit shy and am not sure about what I should do next. Can you help me Amanda? One never knows when it might be Mr. Right.
Anxious

Dearest Anxious,
Let's begin at the end. Of course Amanda can help you. First of all don't be anxious and don't be nervous this is as easy one. Let Amanda congratulate you on the fact that you emphasized this guy's traits and not his looks. That tells Amanda that YOU have your ducks in order already. So let's begin. There are a number of ways to accomplish your task. After talking for a "long time" you must know what he does for a living, ask him more about his work; make sure you sit at his table at the next Business Guild gathering; talk with his other friends and see what he is all about OR be brave, walk up to him and say, "I think you seem like a great guy and my life needs more great guys. Would you like to have lunch someday and get better acquainted?" Lunch is less of a threat than dinner or drinks, although he may suggest those as alternatives and that is a good thing. You have not asked him for a "date" just a get acquainted chat. DO NOT move to quickly toward where you hope this goes. Really take the time to get to know him and if it is meant to be - it will happen. Let Amanda know how it goes honey.
Kiss, Kiss,
Amanda

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